A year in the making

The following are excerpts from two journal entries I wrote one year ago during a brief but intense spell of documented introspection. I stumbled across them the other day and thought they presented both a fine contrast to the present and a reminder of how things change but stay the same. I’ve edited out anything too revealing, sorry.

11/15/06
One minute past midnight, so late, so early. There were some highlights today; more like the day’s highlights, nothing I’ll need to keep highlighted for too long. For one, I interviewed at an employment agency. With a lot of these job-searching activities by the end I am left with the feeling that I should be doing the person’s job because I could do it better. I think they are left with the feeling that I feel that way. It took them over a week to call me back for Christ’s sake.

I ended up taking three aptitude tests at the agency: basic knowledge, MS Word, and MS Excel. It really hit me that I was wasting my time when, just as I was about to complete the basic knowledge test, the computer malfunctioned and I had to start all over again. And the lady interviewing me had a broken foot and was just entering that crucial period where she can begin to apply pressure to it, which apparently deserves frequent notation. As I was walking out the door the secretary actually told me that for the next several weeks, things, job market things I presume, “would certainly be dismal, but you never know.” I should have spent the afternoon gathering firewood.

11/16/06
I took another employment-related test today. This one was less of an aptitude indicator and more of a social-placement test. It was for Borders, and I had to take it twice since I wanted to apply to two different Borders locations. After doing 37 pages of 5 multiple choice questions once, I somehow found the motivation to do it all again. Oh, the toils of job hunting.

In taking the test I realized that the person they want me to be and the person that I am are about as different as…well, as your typical Border’s employee and a relatively insecure, lugubrious 22 year old who lives in his mom’s living room [don’t know what I was thinking here…differences seem rather unimpressive don’t they?]. Of course I lied accordingly on the test, the first time at least. The second time I was more willing to accept myself as a poor candidate for Borders. I mean, I could do the job, it’s just not a job designed for me. Anyways, in typical ruminative fashion I began to question why I didn’t more resemble this ideal Borders employee: why couldn’t I glide smoothly between cashier, inventory, and the café without the slightest mental hang-up? Why didn’t I easily put negative criticism behind me? Why did I spend a lot of time worrying about things that were out of my control? ? Why am I not more content with who I am?